I dreamed I broke into a billion or more pieces and was desperately running in circles trying to take back what was mine from anyone and everyone that clearly was made up of these pieces of me.

 I woke to realize that is the dream. 

I woke again to realize that nothing had been broken but my vision/my perception.

That while all things and people, essentially do contain a part of me, that I also contain a part of them. That when we are able to observe that and unattach from possessing or judging any of it, but allowing it to look separate so long as I could still slip into a space sometimes where I remember that it is only my broken perspective that would lead me woefully to believe such a lie, that there lies this unshakable peace. Such a grotesque misperception of all of the beauty that I am, that we are, that is, brought so much fear and discontent, that I thought I better fight for all that I would have, believing (as the world we perceive would tell me) that if I gave something away I would no longer have it. The part of me that is whole (and therefore not manifest into the physical world, where things can only be perceived separately due to their seemingly separate bodies), that is everything, would know that the only way to know you have something is to give it away. Only the particles that will return to dust, seem to disobey this truth. If I give love and forgiveness then there is redemption. The same redemption that has always been there waiting for me to give it away that I could know that’s what I am, just sitting patiently by watching me misperceive myself and try to extract the love and wholeness that I already am from every little piece of me that appears to be outside of me. 

Watch the tree in the forest, beautiful and brilliant on its own, but part of something so much bigger, unattached from its identity or form. Completely unaware of how it is being perceived, not enjoying the youthful part of the journey more than the wilted moments before death, as it knows that “death” as it were, is just the next adventure. As it gets scattered into materials to cover the forest floor and become new forms of life that it had never even imagined, supposing it could imagine, it does not care how much “time” this will take because there is only now. 

I release my perception of incompletion only by remembering with all of the pieces. I can only allow myself to remember to remember with them if I stop judging them and trying to prove that they are different than me. I can only heal my perspective by not seeing anything as bad or wrong, as I would not choose to remember those parts of me and there be left incomplete of any piece I would not take back. So long as I choose to keep any parts away from me that I may be right and they be wrong, I choose to stay trapped in a realm where redemption is not available to me.

I must decipher between the part of me that appears to be a body, and use my perception only to decide what is “right” or “wrong” for that limited part of myself (my perceived identity) that lives in this world of limitations, but allow space for the parts that are not yet manifest, to look at everything as whole, as part of me, by using those parts to bestow love and release judgement in that space, so that the truth of my completeness can rest their in my mind, having perception just serve the small, limited parts, but not my belief of what I am.

All of the logic, all of the past experiences, would tell me all of the reasons I should draw a line to keep those parts away from me, (and perhaps in this body reality, that is so) as I am clearly more right or righteous than they. In this attempt to put myself back together with my own manuscript, my own ideals, built form my broken perspective, telling me which parts to use and which parts to leave behind, I must use only that broken perspective that has lead me into this trap of believing that I am separate and alone? The same broken perception that created this illusion of separation, cannot lead me back to completion as it has developed an inner judge that would only allow the parts it sees fit to come back, leaving big gaps.

If I cannot realize that everything this broken perspective would have me believe is leading me further into the trap… If I cannot see that no matter how convincing and intelligent of an argument that I can make on why it is that I am closer to right and why it is that some of those pieces don’t belong, is the same voice/perception that doesn’t even know what I am… The same broken perspective that would lead me tirelessly in circles trying to put back together something that was never broken, discarding the pieces I don’t like to guarantee incompletion, then I am stuck.

Stuck in a place where I perceive myself as incomplete and thereby need to fight for everything that is mine and righteously tell all of the parts of me that I don’t recognize, how to be more like the other parts that I have identified with, or do like, to again guarantee incompletion. In that format I would be recreating myself by redesigning the pieces on my own that we created as a whole, but some part of me tells me I am fit to do this and that I am the one who decides what is right or wrong. This lie makes me feel safe and less out of control, but essentially is defying the whole/God (if you like that word), the collective of everything there is, that created this together.
I will accept that we cannot believe anything that we perceive. I will seek for the wisdom beyond perception to guide me gently back to remember. I can only do this if I believe there is in fact redemption, that I do have access to something greater than perception that can know instead of perceive. I will make time to sit quietly, moving beyond all of the “knowledge” by going deeper than where the thoughts are, and allow those parts of me that are not yet manifest to enter here.

Though we have revered and even worshipped knowledge for so long, and one could say, look how far it has brought us, one could also say, ahh… but really it just made a cozier trap. As it has created ways to be more comfortable here in this state of incompletion, which is only a faulty perception, or perhaps you could say a dream. Whereas if all we knew here was suffering, that may act as a catalyst to return to the peace within, while “learning” more things to create more ways to remain distracted and comfortable enough to want to stay has made it a tougher trap to get out of. But there is so much suffering here, you say? Yes and that is what we look upon to know we must return, as our truth is not to suffer. We choose to have hope that there will be a better day/time in the imaginary future. We hold onto the idea that we can fix this and that things will get better, but as long as we still hold onto any attachment to anything here in this world, where everything returns to dust, are we still choosing this illusion of separation over the truth. Deciding that we can be the ones who put it back together or decide who is deserving of grace.

No creator that I co-create with wanted for us to dream of brokenness and confusion, but he did want us to have free will. It was our choice, as that little part that attaches itself to our broken perspective (call it ego if you like that word) thinks that he can redesign the plan by redesigning the pieces to fit the ideals he has laid upon the world that would be the decider of what is right or wrong, good or bad, thinking he is fighting the good fight, unaware that he is fighting with reality and trying to renounce the plan of completion by playing God himself. By making himself the decider of what should and should not be punished, has he made sin real in his mind and so that is what he sees. Let us only use logics’ discernment rather than judgement to course correct matters of the flesh in the physical world we live in, such as, imposing rules and regulations and ramifications for broken agreements so that we can in fact agree on some objective reality and cooperate and hopefully progress. But let us not forget to always revere the wholeness in every other regard, healing what actually needs healed, our perspective, rather than this world.

Maybe we can notice that anything you could still grasp here, no matter how “good” it seems it would be for you, is equally as “bad” for someone else. This trap we have created has “laws” that we hold into place with belief and everything in this dream of duality is really just my perception versus the truth or subjective versus objective or object versus subject and therefore man versus creator. Every single thing we see from the point of duality or right or wrong would keep us in this battle trying to fight our way back when the only way out is laying down the fight and surrendering to the truth that we did not create ourselves alone and cannot fix this unsolvable riddle so long as we perceive we did, as that will leave us continuing to think that we can fix it with our “knowledge” from our past or our faulty perception.

We use these words and ideas (knowledge, logic) to keep ourselves separate from all that we believe is wrong/evil, believing our creator would put us in such a predicament, because we are not having faith. We believe that we are, because we are having faith in ourselves and our minds to lead us back, and faith in all of those we would consider “right” or good”, but we do not get to pick and choose which creations would be damned or not unless we want to believe that hell is real and that we will all be damned. From that perspective are we constantly terrified (on a deeper level than you might be able to perceive, or perhaps showing up as depression, anxiety, addiction, discontent) as, we too, would be awaiting the judgement we would bestow on all that we have judged against. In a world where every action has an equal and opposite reaction, how could I not see that anything that we think is “right” or true is equally “wrong” or false from a different perspective? How could I assume that my vantage point is right and others are wrong, knowing that my perception is what is creating this trap/illusion of separateness/loneliness that would have me fighting reality for what is rightfully mine?

So we continue diligently adding more knowledge to ourselves as we are devoted to putting the pieces back together our way, as who could be more capable than I of figuring it all out? All the while fighting for what is “right” and thinking that puts us on us on the side of good/God, completely overlooking the sneaky truth that we are trying to redesign the plan that is already Divine. That when we are not taking a deep breath and choosing to be conscious and therefore connected to all that is, we feel scared and abandoned here because we are not allowing that part (God/Truth/Love) in to give us the peace and wholeness we so desire. Though we are the only thing standing in our way of feeling that in this moment and every moment, we are sure that it is someone or something else that is. Hence the constant blaming and judging and trying to essentially crucify anyone that has stolen this piece of you, thinking that is how you will get it back. It is in this very regard that you do get to be (and in fact are) divine by allowing love and forgiveness to mend the perception that would judge against parts of yourself and therefore keep you incomplete and in a state of constant fear of when that same merciless judge will come for you.

Your hero journey got conflated with where this is all coming from (thinking that you created yourself, essentially defying God/Reality) and think it’s heroic role here is to be the savior and you will fix it, by judging everything “appropriately” and deciding personally how much value each person, place or things deserves. And…. you almost had it right Rachelle… You wanted to be on the right side of good/God but now instead of fixing it in the way in which you are Divine, by coming to that place of presence, that place of love and allowing it all to be perfect by the grace of your forgiveness and allowing that to inform your hero’s journey, you are in fact trying to act out the drama in your perceived reality that can only continue to remain in the battle (duality) that cannot be reconciled.

Instead of allowing my perception, my perceived knowledge, to create a bigger, smarter trap for me as it has for mankind, I will lean in to the part that I do not understand. I will accept that it cannot be perceived or understood through this broken lens and that the real test is in something that cannot be proven. Something you can only have faith in because you have experienced it to be more than perception could ever offer. Or perhaps because you have tried every other possible road that ends at the same dead end of disapointment. Or perhaps because you realize that if only what can be proven is, in fact, true or real, that we are all damned, so why not?…

At first, the way feels scary and dark, as all of the knowledge and the ideas of myself I had made are shed and I feel so out of control. Then this release, bigger than any words can say happens and whispers,

“Thank you! Thank you for letting go of something you alone could never control. Thank you for trusting the parts of you that are not yet manifest, the truth, (God, if you choose that word) though it could never be proven, to guide you back from this trap that your perception got you into. I know it was a giant leap of faith you took, setting aside all of your past experiences that would craft a million reasons why you should not even consider allowing these pieces of you that are clearly unfit or wrong back in and just trusting in your Self but, just so you know, it was the only way out. You spent life times trying to think your way out of it by making everyone else wrong because somewhere deep down you believed in evil, or lost site of what you say you believe in, that all men are created equal and can (and will) make their way back home, so that you could be right, as you felt like that put you on the side of good/God. Where did that leave you, but still trapped? The transcendence/the mystery/ the beauty of it all, is that moment where you realize that not only will everything you see return to dust, but the only way in hell you would get out, is if you laid down what you hold most dear. Your “knowledge”, your experiences, your identity all had to be released and who could release all they ever were without taking the biggest leap of faith there is and trusting that anything that can be seen through this broken perspective is not only, not what it seems, but yet another temptation to keep yourself separate from all of the beautiful pieces of you, patiently waiting for your return for their completion.”

Waking to realize nothing was ever broken, opened this door to the most profound sense of peace/knowing that everything was more than just ok, but perfect. Happening exactly as it should. Divine. Now, to only act as though I believe that is true in every. single. moment.

But still…. Can’t help but wonder if there’s an easier softer way, as I don’t know how many people could possibly be convinced to lay down logic and just have faith. I try to find ways of being or practices that allow for this remembering, or ways to put it in logical terms that logical people can hear, in hopes that maybe the dark and scary leap I had to take could be padded, to entice more people along the way, imagining that perhaps I made it more difficult than it needed to be. Overlooking the exquisite perfection of it all, yet again.

Could I have just staid in stillness long enough to see that nothing was ever broken or incomplete? If I could go deeper than the thoughts and just allow everything to be as it were without thinking any of it needed fixed, could I have seen the beauty and the wholeness starting to shine through? Could I have found it without essentially having to lay logic down? Could I have thought my way out of it essentially? So, even now, as I feel liberated and so much peace and in deep appreciation of this intricate beautiful reality, where the only way out is complete and total surrender, I somehow still wonder if maybe it should be different, as I am unsure on whether all of the other pieces will be taking the leap any time soon or not. Then I realize, that even though I have found the inner peace (the kingdom of heaven), liberation  from the fear, that as long as I have a body, my broken perception would still lead (tempt) me to believe that things should be different than they are as my hope waivers, still wanting to judge and doubt that the other pieces can find the way.

Now though, because I am surely right/righteous in just wanting them to share this peace, this judgement slips by unnoticed. And though I do believe with all of my being, that we all return to the oneness eventually (obviously since we never left it but in our dream/perception/mind) I find myself in some kind of rush as though I have some place to be, wanting to critique God/the Truth on the whole plan and beautiful process of transcendence here by allowing my new found peace to, once again, attach to this idea that my new, clearer perspective could lead me all the way out, only to build the next trap. Creating a new found “knowledge” based on this, slightly less broken perspective, that would lead me to rely more on that, than those parts of me that are not yet manifest now that I “see” clearly and that I can, not only think my way out of this, but that I could have made a better way on my own without having to take that scary leap. And…. I’m right back in battle of my perceived reality versus the truth. And though I sense myself wandering back into a place of judgement, it seems ok somehow because it is purely altruistic and only for the sake of all of the other pieces being able to access it, that I would have it change.

 I then realize that there is something here attached to my broken perspective (call it ego if you like that word) that thinks that it is fixed now and encourages me to follow another road into another trap, this one way more comfortable and soft, mostly because of the triumph that part of me that attached to my broken perspective felt when it wanted to take credit for clearing things up, instead of paying credit to that part of me beyond logic, faith, that actually got me there. As long as I have a body I have to remember, that no matter how much more clearly I am seeing in this moment than I was just a moment before, that perception itself is broken, leading me to believe without a shadow of a doubt that anything I perceive is real. That the only way to remember what I am or appreciate anything or anyone, is to disregard perception, as truth cannot be perceived, it can only be known. And then I realize that after every surrender/epiphany, follows that wily ego that was born of my misperception to craft a better and bigger trap. As that is, what I believe, is meant by hell, my faulty perception versus Truth/God (whichever word you like best) where I believe I can find or think my own way out without allowing all of the pieces of me to come back to wholeness with my forgiveness, but this time the walls are much higher in this trap, as it is convinced that now that it is perceiving clearly what is happening here, that it can guide me out. And since it has created ways for me to feel more at peace, I listen. So I keep learning the same lesson, over and over and over. It feels so different each time, but it’s not. Just different people, places and things involved would make it feel different.

Then because I find myself back in the same trap/faulty perception, I question whether faith was really useful or not, not realizing I stopped having it momentarily and reverted back to my broken perspective, thinking it was fixed. Then I realize I grasp at the next piece of the puzzle that leads to that beautiful surrender, just to be lead into a deeper and deeper trap, so long as I believe we are here in time and that the past exists, as it is only now, in this moment the I can surrender and connect to all of the parts of me that my perception would tell me are separate or not real as they cannot be proven.

When I see it as a nonlinear plan, that does not follow the rules and restraints that I perceived here in this dimension/illusion and realize that logic is still the last barrier, and that since it is not a path that follows time or logic, that it is only now, in this moment, that I can surrender. Not something I do and then become more knowledgable or closer to right after doing, but that that surrender is something that must be done in every single moment, with every. single. breath. if I would find my way Home to remember the breathtakingly beautiful reality that we have created here to learn to let go of everything and be like the tree in the forest. Not grasping. Not wanting anything to be different than it is or trying to play the part of the savior that puts it all back together with my limited perspective, but instead the mortal hero in the flesh, allowing the eternal parts of me to guide my way, just by remaining present and in a place beyond the thoughts. Having faith that leaning in to this surrender in every moment will lead me Home, so, feeling safe enough now, to give up my judgments that I made to keep me “safe”, am I saved from the fear based thoughts my broken perception would generate.

Vowing not to forget that the part of me that would like to believe that I have now arrived and can follow my new and improved logic back home, would still stand as the only thing in my way from handing it over, over and over and over. As long as we breathe, we have a choice in every single moment to surrender to the idea that we did not create ourselves by ourselves but as a whole and without remembering fully all of the pieces back by laying down our perspective that would judge every piece of us, that we cannot control this thing we do not yet fully understand, so long as it appears incomplete.

And so I choose in every moment, with every breath, to again surrender. To surrender my still incomplete perception of what I am and what is going on here, for the parts of me that cannot be explained and therefore never proven. And now, I can watch in amusement as that wily son of gun wishes it could be easier and that I could not have to diligently and devotedly make that right choice over and over and over again as it feels exhausting, just to realize that I am, again, wanting things to be different than they are, and essentially wishing that we did not have free will! As though I do not believe that, left to our own devices that we can find our way back. I throw my head back and I laugh out loud, harder than one should ever laugh, as I am caught in my own trap of not acting as though what I say I believe is true. Unless I believe in evil and that I have to fight to decide what is right or wrong and be righteous against said evil….

Logic, once again, has tried to blind me from the truth that I know deeper than my bones, that there is in fact redemption and that man is good and capable of finding his way out. And every time that wily sucker tries to lead me into the trap of believing that I understand now, I laugh and remember to surrender, as I allow all of the parts of me that I would have kept separate, to come back, believing that no matter what my perception has decided of them, that it cannot be trusted and that loving every little tiny piece of this perceived reality is the only possible solution to returning to wholeness. 

Logic could never allow this, as it’s entire premise is to put everything into categories of right or wrong for my seeming safety, but really just to, once again, guarantee incompletion. So I devote myself to keeping logic in check and only using it to decipher what is right or wrong for me in the flesh, but carefully monitor it, to not be mistakenly keeping those pieces separate from what I really am, by not bestowing my Love/Forgiveness/Grace on them, that I can remember that redemption is mine to give. If I choose to give redemption and love and forgiveness, even to those parts that I would not necessarily invite into my “home” (the one that will return to dust) then I allow the truth of what I am, the parts we can not see or prove, to be whole again. By giving the love and forgiveness to everything and everyone, do I now know that it is mine to give. Do I now know that it always was and I needed just to choose to give it, every time I had the choice to rest easy knowing that it, not only is available to me, but that it’s what I am.

So I make every single breath a new beginning and a new reminder that no matter how much I think I have learned or how close I think I am to figuring it out, that it is only in letting go of that notion and everything else this mind could conjure or this body could perceive (no matter how brilliant or correct it seems),  that I can make that last step. And that I would have it no other way, or I remain trapped in this perception of incompletion, but that’s not why I choose to love it as it is. I choose to love it as it because it is perfect and always was. As I surrender more and more to not knowing, and not believing that my perception is any closer to the truth than anyone else’s, I allow the truth of the wholeness to enter into this world and believe that, over what I would perceive. By offering grace and forgiveness in each moment instead of trying to convince the “other” that my lens is more clear or that I am “right”, I allow redemption. And in allowing that, I recognize that it is, and I am saved from this fight that cannot be won using our logic and our past as proof, but in the one thing that cannot be proven at all, as that’s what faith is.  I think…

Or wait, am I still dreaming?…